I have friends and acquaintances who sadly have been victims of violent crime and on occasion have expressed their negative views of life in South Africa as well as hinted at the possibility of emigration.

It is not my friends’ posts themselves that intrigue me, but the comments that his posts inspire. I do understand that everyone is entitled to an opinion and I can sympathise with victims of any type of crime or violence. The negative comments and vitriol that such posts inspire do get a bit overwhelming.

Now, the emigration debate is not so much of a debate as it is a national pastime. I do not know of any other country in which the ‘should I stay or should I go’ conundrum sparks such fierce emotion on both sides.

I have friends and family who have made the choice to leave and have been happy doing so.

I have friends and family who have chosen to leave and regretted that choice.

I have friends and family who have made the choice to stay and I have friends and family who perhaps stay because they have no choice.

As a mom who wants only the best for my children, I have spent many hours tossing the options back and forth and this is what I think….

We are each entitled to believe that going or staying is the right thing to do.

If we do what we believe is the right thing, for the right reasons (I do not believe fear is the right reason) then we have made the best decision for ourselves.

If we make a choice due to fear, uncertainty or peer pressure (from those who have made a different choice to ours) then we are simply allowing ourselves to be bullied, and this decision is bound to be filled with regrets.

Personally, I believe that I was born South African for a reason. I am the first to admit honestly that our country at the best of times behaves like a rebellious young adult. Whether we are loving or hating, we are a passionate people. Just like a rebellious young adult, after years of living in a restrictive and controlling environment, we are trying to establish our own identity.

I have been witness to the very best and the very worst of what humanity has to offer and for the moment, I choose to stay.

I liked my children attending traditional schools, where respect, manners, integrity and sportsmanship were just as important as academic achievement. I like that they were schooled alongside children who came from all walks of life – some living in informal settlements while others resided in golf estate mansions. This is the reality of our South Africa and prepared them for this real world contrast.

I appreciate that I am able to teach my children life lessons like tolerance and compassion by using the examples that present themselves to us every day. The lives of those less fortunate, make us grateful for what we have.

I love that my children have friends who are black, coloured and white and that are Christian, Jewish and Muslim. I hope that this means that this next generation will understand one another better.

I am grateful that, at this point, my country is not a priority target for religious extremists. Some things, you can not protect yourself against.

Every morning, I look at the beautiful mountains that surround us, and know that I live in one of the worlds most scenic places. There have been times that this beauty has been my saving grace.

While bugs, snakes and other creepy crawlies are not my favourite things, I know that there are a myriad of amazing creatures living just a short distance away. I love that my children get to experience African nature and wildlife at its best on a regular basis. This means they will love it too and want their own children to see it one day.

Finally, the people I love and care about most live in South Africa. I believe in the power of people, and my ‘people’, my family and friends, are here. I want my children to know their grandparents, aunt, uncles and cousins. I want them to feel connected. This means they will one day value family as much as I do.

I am trying my best to encourage tolerance and compassion in my kids. I think it is something that is in short supply everywhere.

We, as a community cannot rely on our governments to fix our town, city, community or country. That is not their job. It is ours…. And if those of us who can, don’t, then who will?

Image: “Only in Africa” – a single cow crosses the N2 highway near Cape Town Airport Credit: Lesley Scott

At every stage of the parenthood journey, I have experienced both the wondrous and the horrendous. One minute life is going along like a Disney movie and the next it is barreling along at the rate of a 100 WTF’s a minute. This is normal. I think that as parents, we all have some expectation of what our experience is going to be. At least some of this expectation is entirely unrealistic (thanks Disney and TLC).

I often joke that those who know more than we do keep quiet until we have reached the point of no return and there is no going back. Then, and only then do we hear the stories that make us question our life choices.

So, in the interest of transparency – and in the hope of breaking the mom code for silence about all things that fall somewhere on the WTF parenting scale, here are some lessons I’ve learned as a parent so far:

Being pregnant can suck – big time.

TRUTH: Not all mother’s to be carry their baby like a small melon for 9 months, carrying on with their exercise routines and working until their water’s break. Growing a human being is a big deal and you may end up feeling like a beached whale. You may have morning sickness all the way through your pregnancy and heartburn may have you feeling like a fire breathing dragon. When you are feeling at your worst, strangers are going to approach you in public places and want to touch you or offer advice, or tell you their horror birth stories. You may love being pregnant, but a time will come when you have had enough – this time does not usually occur when your baby is ready to come. This is one job that you cannot rush. There is no instant gratification. It is fine to love being pregnant and it is equally fine to really dislike it. You are a good mom.

You give birth – no matter how baby makes their appearance.

TRUTH: No matter what idea you have in your head of how your birth is going to go, there is always a good chance that things will be different. In my case it was 2 emergency Caesarians (one for pre-eclampsia and one for baby in distress). The fact is though, that regardless of how baby makes their appearance, you have given birth. Do not let anyone shame you for your choices – no matter why you made them. You are a good mom.

A fed baby is a fed baby.

TRUTH: Breastfeeding is always a contentious topic. Having gone both routes for my own reasons, I can happily tell you that the best baby is a fed baby. Whether you are producing your own milk or whether the lovely folks at Nestlé are manufacturing it for you, it will keep your baby nourished and healthy and allow them to do all the growing that they need to do. You are a good mom.

No one really knows what they are doing.

TRUTH: No one really knows what they are doing all of the time. What works for one person is not going to work for another. Advice is great, and you should thank people who offer it… but then do what works for you. When you have been awake for three days and have forgotten when you last showered and your tea is cold again and baby is still crying, do what works for you. Co-sleep or don’t. Carry your baby in a carrier or push them in their stroller. Wrap them up tight or don’t. Play Beethoven or The Beatles or Bon Jovi or Justin Bieber if that’s what works . Let them have a pacifier or their dudu blankie or their chewed up teddy bear. Put them in a safe place and walk away for a minute you need to. Phone a friend and ask for help. You and your child are a unique pairing, never done before. What works for you may not be what works for others, but if everyone is alive at the end of the day, mission accomplished. You are a good mom.

People are messy.

TRUTH: As babies it is puke and poop and tears. Then your child gets older and it’s tears and blood from falls and scrapes and nosebleeds. And maybe they play a sport (so possibly more blood). Then your daughters and son become teenagers (you know where I’m going with this one). They get a boyfriend or a girlfriend and there are bound to be some tears at some point. In between all of this, you will deal with gastro and as they get older, maybe the after effects of a night out with their friends. Learn how to cope with body fluids – or negotiate with someone else to do it for you. You are a good mom.

You will also leak.

TRUTH: No one warns you about how much you will cry. You cry with joy in all the beautiful moments. You will cry with pain for all of those times when you can not fix the pain your kids feel. You will cry in frustration on days when parenting is tough. You will cry in solidarity with your children when life is hard for them. You will cry with pride when your kids do something wonderful. You will cry quietly for them when they experience loss and heartbreak. You will cry into your pillow at night on days when life is unfair. You will cry with other mothers as they experience sadness and loss. Your heart grows a millionfold when you have children and your tears are the price you pay. You are a good mom.

Things always change.

TRUTH: You have had a tough time in a parenting stage and you can’t wait for your child to get just a bit older because you think things will get better. Things do not get better. Things get different. No matter where you are on your parenting journey, there are wonderful things about that time and there are awful things about that time. This is normal. Newborns are sooooo cute, but they are exhausting. Babies are sooooo loveable, but they may not sleep well. Toddlers are sooooo entertaining, but they throw tantrums and are still learning listening skills. Preschoolers are so curious, but they have no respect for personal boundaries. Young kids are learning so much, but you run around after them all day long. Preteens have such a good sense of humour, but they are so moody. Teenagers are a mixed bag of wonderful and awful. Young adults great to talk to and are keen for their independence but are still figuring out who they are. It is absolutely normal to love your kids beyond words, but still not always like them. You are a good mom.

Not everything will go according to plan.

TRUTH: Everyone imagines living that perfect life we see in the movies. Life is however not perfect. Your baby may be born with challenges. You may separate from your partner. Your financial situation may change. Your child (or you) may develop a chronic illness. Your friends (or you or your child) may be diagnosed with a dread disease. Your child may have a learning disorder. You may deal with mental health issues. You may be a victim of crime or abuse. You may lose a child or a spouse. You may have to cope with unimaginable loss.

The truth of life is that it is going to be both beautiful and terrible. Moments of pure joy will be interspersed by moments of hurt and pain. This is all part of being human. Parenthood is the same. It is a rollercoaster journey that must be lived in the moment. Do not beat yourself up about the bad days and the perceived failures. We are all just on a learning journey together.

If you just do your best in each moment, then you are a great mom.

Photo: Sleeping Seals (they have no idea what they are doing either, but they seem perfectly fine with that)

(Credit: Lesley Scott)

As a child I was a tomboy. I liked rough and tumble play. I rode my bike as if hoping it would take flight. I climbed trees and played with sticks and would choose a game of soccer or “cops and robbers” over a tea party any day. My imagination was my constant companion and I felt invincible – able to do anything.

Then I got a little bit older and the subtle messages began. That as a women (or even young girl), I should make myself smaller and less than. I was told directly (by adults) and indirectly (by the media) that it was unladylike to be loud or busy or curious. Instead, I should suppress my natural busyness and curiosity, and learn to be still and be quiet and not ask too many questions.

Heaven forbid that a woman should be strong and confident and opinionated. Unlike men in which these traits are considered desirable, in women they are a no-no. Instead, I should rather hide my intelligence (so as not to make a man feel uncomfortable), become more sedate (because no man wants a “wild” woman) and keep my opinions to myself (because well women are only second from the bottom to children on the ‘seen and not heard’ hierarchy). I should rather worry about my fingernails and hair style than politics or current events. I should be informed enough to have dinner table conversation, but not so well informed that I can start a debate. I should be able to smile and nod pleasantly and pretend that I am interested in anything other than things that are really important.

I tried, really I did, but in truth I am loud. I have opinions. I am intelligent. I care about important things. I am wild in my own way – although I no longer ride a bike with careless abandon (instead I learned to fly a helicopter).

When we are stilled, we become powerless. When we have no voice, we are just shadows.

I taught my daughter that having a voice was important. It is a privilege still very much denied to women in many parts of the world. We need to learn to use our voices. To speak up for ourselves and for those who can’t. We need to not be afraid of having difficult conversations or discussing issues that are contentious. We need to call out those who try to oppress or silence the voiceless.

We need to say “I am here”.

Image: Learning to fly (2005) with my friend and instructor, the late Leon Degenaar .                                                            

Photo Credit: unknown